Wednesday, December 7, 2016

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly and the Truth

If you are reading this post it means after almost a year of hiatus and weeks of editing a post... I posted!

This post is in no way shape or form to make you feel sorry for me, to judge me, shame me, or to question me.  It is solely to help someone that may need it.  That one random someone that may just need it as badly as I once did.

I can go back a week, a year, two years, five years or my childhood.  Somehow all of it leads me right here to today.  Not one event, not one trama, not one tear, not one triumph put me right here today.  It was a combination of all of it. The good, the bad, the ugly and the truth.

This post wasn't formed in a night.  This post is raw and real.  This post and this nightmare is something I never wanted to live.  Never wanted my kids to live, never wanted my husband to live.  For this I will always be sorry.

I would like to pinpoint a moment, but I can't.  It was a combination of infertility, childhood events, post pardon from Hudson that I never got help with because the meds made me a zombie.  To a quick decision to move out of the only town I ever lived in, to childhood friendships gone, to trust broken, to mistakes, to my world being shaken upside down.  To wishing for different relationships with parents, to wanting to build a home for our boys despite the broken homes my spouse and I grew up in.  It became this game of making sure I gave everyone else my all and never just knowing how to be content with what was right in front of me.

Along this road of ignoring me, suddenly I decided to find me.  But the me I was looking for was a mystery.  So it started with weight, and clothes and workouts which is all well and good, BUT the real me was a Mom, a nurturer, a protector to my four amazing men.  Now no where did I ever stop being a Mom thats for sure, but I somehow let my actual dreams as a child turn into something different.  When I was a little girl if you asked me what I wanted to be I only ever had a few answers.  EVER, even as a 25 year old.  To be a Mom, to be a wife, to be a teacher.  That's it folks.  Nothing more nothing less.  My only desire was to be exactly what I had right in front of me.  So what was I looking for and why was my life feeling like something I wasn't actually living in?

I can't fully explain what I was doing and along this journey over the last five years I had peaks and valleys, I had amazing experiences.  I was on Good Morning America for goodness sakes, but to be where I am right here right now in this feeling of content I would give it all up. To be able to relive the moment Hudson was placed in my arms I would give it up.  To be able to do over the ultrasound where we found out we were having twins I would do it all over.  THOSE moments mattered they are why I was put on this earth!

Content is what I was seeking and today after getting help I know this.  I didn't have to prove anything, I didn't have to fit into a size jean or earn a certain amount of followers or need certain people to like me.  I needed the four creatures that depended on me to be able to do so.  I needed to be stable, strong, and dependable for them.

Sitting here so content the last five years just spiral around me.  Working in the twins class, making a banana cream pie, cleaning the chicken coop and tucking my children into bed is the rawest realest emotion I have felt in years and it happened tonight.

I put together a calendar as a Christmas gift to my Mom over the last week.   It had photos of the last year.  I watched and pondered as I placed each picture on the screen.  I would give anything to go back to those moments from last year and feel like I actually lived it.  I wasn't there, I was lost in my own thoughts and anxiety I wasn't even living.  I was screaming inside my own head begging to feel the way I once did.  Begging to have my mind back, ME BACK and so was my Husband.  But I didn't know how so I pretended.  I forced myself to chat with people about normal stuff when really all I wanted to say to them was help me.

I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression.  Something I knew, something I tried to fix and something that began taking over my world.  This could come as a shock to some, but I was great at faking it until I made it.  My Facebook highlight reel was great, but no one saw the days I could hardly get out of bed.  The days I couldn't wait to drink wine to try to drown out my knife like emotions and anxiety.  I wanted the person who smiled, the person who wasn't crawling out of her skin.  The person who didn't have anxiety about the future or the next day or cared what people thought about her.  I was living in the mind of someone I didn't want to know.  I was so irritable my teeth would grind.  I would obsess over pillows being straight when all I really wanted was to relax and hold my boys, but I couldn't.  I am sure 99% of you are shaking your head, but until you have actually lived this nightmare please do not judge.  I wanted nothing more then this life, but some how I sabotaged it.  Not on purpose, but out of clearly not being able to live in my skin and love the life I had.  Maybe because I disappointed myself, but also because I was truly sick.  No other way can describe it.

I will save you the gory details, but I tried to get help two years ago.  I got on yet another set of zombie drugs that made me spiral even farther and made me even more helpless.  I talked to therapists which helped for a minute.  I relied on a few friendships and people to check in with throughout the day in hopes that someone would make me feel normal.  

I had many good days, but most bad.  The minute the kids would be at school I would fall harder and harder.  It made no sense because I could remember begging for these days.  The days I could catch up on house work, work in the class, walk the dog.  I am not lying to you when I say I KNOW I HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE, but when you can't live in it it's a scary ass thing.  I would try to blog but fit Mom had turned to fat Mom and the Mom who liked to cook could sometimes hardly pull together a normal dinner.  I carried on just fine, but I began self meditating.  This is where the story had to end.  I would manage to get through the day with hours of anxiety.  Until finally I could try to wind it down with wine.  There is not one moment I am proud of when this happened.

I finally hit rock bottom.  I finally had a day where I took the twins to school in my pajamas and came home with Hudson and could not get out of bed.  The only way I could honestly describe it is as if the walls were crashing around me.  I remember holding him and asking him to just cuddle me forever.  I remained calm and loved on him but I knew something was just not right.  I reached out.  I reached out to a family friend at first in a joking way then a bit to my Mom too, not sure of how to approach it so they didn't think I was crazy.  I looked around at small things in the house to do and they felt like mountains to climb, even taking a shower that day was the largest task.  My Husband reached out to me and promised to be by my side however I wanted to proceed.  I must say I do not deserve this man, I was no longer the woman he married.  Even I didn't want to be around me so how could he?  But he did day in and day out and today you can see the pure relief in his eyes to have me back.  I will forever be thankful for the way he has always stuck by my side.

Where had that girl gone who used to do two workouts a day?  Who would give anything to be a Mom?  Who would fight for her family until the end?  She was right here.  She just needed help.

My Mom came over that day.  My anxiety was so bad I was shaking. The thought of food or real life made me vomit.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think this could happen to me.  I knew I could no longer self meditate or help myself.  I gave up and it was the best thing I have ever done.  Giving up never felt so right.  I have a post it on my desk it's a quote from my Husband, one day we were talking about things we thought each other was good at.  I wanted to know just because I was sooooo down on myself.  I had a list of things to say to him because he is just pretty amazing.  He looked over at me and said "you are good at never giving up."  That day I gave up on me, but what I gained is my life back.

In the past I had NO LUCK with medication or doctors, but I knew that my new doctor was great so I figured one more try and maybe another referral to a therapist.  I walked in wanting to be guarded, but I wasn't.  I told her exactly what I was feeling, told her about the wine, told her about the zombie past medications, told her everything.  Probably even more then I should and it felt good to say it.  Never did I imagine she would nod her head and comfort me.  She even had this light bulb that went off in her head that I saw.

She sent me off with a hug, a prescription and a referral to a therapist.  At this point I was looking for a magic pill... little did I know she actually gave it to me.  What I was dealing with was REAL.  What I was afraid of talking about and trying to fix on my own was REAL.

For the first time in a long time I am content.  So content and so blessed.  Not just a Facebook pretty picture, but finally just sitting down without my mind racing around.  Finally sitting at my computer and being able to focus.  Finally not needing wine to wind down.  Finally looking at my Husband and wanting to hold him instead of going frantic over what isn't done around the house.  Finally content.  Finally listening to the little boys who should be asleep chatting and smiling about it.  Finally just back to me.  Almost a me I don't remember and I really like it.  Finally a me who isn't so obsessed with the future, who isn't making lists and so irritable her skin crawls.  Finally just relieved to feel like I am ok in this mind and happy with it.

I know I have a long road ahead of me, but this Christmas I got the only thing I could possible wish for.  ME.  The Mom and wife to the four people who were put on this earth for me, and I couldn't ask for anything more today.

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Ground Chicken Ginger Miso Soup

Here I am!  I have had a little too much fun food wise since Aprilish.  I went from my lowest weight to one of my highest.  No no no no no not my 202 lbs no no no BUT a well um 14 pound jump from my very lowest weight from 16 months ago.  In all fairness I didn't like my lowest weight.  Who wants to wear a size 2 anyways and live at the gym and next eat a cookie with your kids?  NOT ME!

However I am about 7 pounds above my goal goal maintain weight and I HATE IT.  So here I am back at it in an attempt to fit perfectly back into my size 4/6 and feel GOOD.  That's the most important part.  Not the number on the scale but how I feel in my clothes, in pictures, in my attitude, and most of all I want to feel healthy and stop eating take out pizza once a week.

I started Monday (after Sunday night pizza of course) I am on day 3 today and only 1 pound down which is discouraging.  I have been working out every day and eating as clean as possible and limiting carbs, fat, and sugar.  

I am on a mission because we are taking a family vacay to our GORGEOUS time share in Mazatlan in just a couple weeks.  In hindsight I wish I had booked it in February so I would have had all month to get the 7ish pounds off because it's VERY doubtful I can do that in two weeks.  #CRAP

So with all that being said here is a recipe I came up with the other day.

1/2 lb. ground chicken breast crumbled and cooked
1 container of Trader Joe's Miso Ginger Broth (regular would work ok but this has more flavor)
1 medium zucchini
8 mushrooms sliced
1/4 cup of cilantro
2 green onions
1/4 of a white onion sliced however you prefer
1 inch of fresh ginger minced
2 celery ribs
3 tbsp low sodium soy
2 tbsp rice wine vinegar
4 dashes of sesame oil
4 dashes of asian hot oil

Mix all together and bring to a low boil then simmer for 30 minutes

I threw this together with what I have next time I want to add cabbage and bok choy

This pot is two servings I divided it evenly into two large bowls.  It's about 3 cups in total for serving and SOOOOOOooooooo filling for that amount of calories.

Top with additional cilantro and green onions if you wish and if you are anything like me... sirracha!


Sunday, November 8, 2015

Clean Albondigas

Oh white girl white girl white girl.  I'm pretty sure my newest love is re-vamping recipes.  I woke up from a dream about Albondigas (hussshhhh a few nights ago it was a super carne asada burrito covered in an amazing sauce... yes I often dream about he food I can't have).

What is it you might ask?  Small meatballs prepared in a Mexican, Spanish, or South American way in a SOUP.

I knew I had to revamp my favorite recipe and it turned out great.
  • 1 egg white beaten
  • 1 lb. extra lean ground beef or turkey
  • 2 garlic cloves, minced
  • 12 cup cooked brown rice
  • 12 cup cilantro chopped
  • 14 teaspoon pepper
  • 1 teaspoon ground cumin
  • 6 cups low sodium chicken broth
  • 12 cup onion, chopped
  • 3 stalks celery, cut in chunks
  • 1 (16 ounce) can diced tomatoes (low sodium)
  • 12 teaspoon ground cumin
  • 1 teaspoon oregano
  • 12 cup cilantro
  • 1 large zucchini, sliced

Make the meatballs first: Combine everything and mix thoroughly.

Form meatballs and roll between your palms.  It should make about 20 meatballs, set them aside.

In a large pot combine chicken broth, onion, celery, tomatoes and their liquid, cumin, oregano and cilantro leaves.

Bring to broil, and reduce heat and simmer for 10 minutes.

Drop meatballs in the soup (Make sure the soup is slightly boiling, the meatballs need to be cooked quickly).

Return to simmer and cook another 10 minutes.

Add zucchini and cook 10 minutes.

Serve with hot sauce.. if you are ME!
Note: If the pound makes 20 meatballs they are a little under 1 ounce of meat each

Saturday, October 31, 2015

What Can You Eat On An Advocare 24 Day Challenge?

 Taco cups with Mrs. Dash taco seasoning served with a salsa, greek yogurt ranch dressing.
 Chicken kabobs served with a greek yogurt dill salad.  This has a touch of splenda and vinegar with it as well.  SOOoooooooOOOOO good.
Egg whites with smoked chili flakes and oatmeal with splenda and cinnamon

Slow cooker buffalo chicken!  Chicken breast and Franks Red Hot... end of story. Served with a greek  yogurt ranch cucumber salad.

Tuna, greek yogurt ranch, pickles.

Tuna a cottage cheese salad

Long beans, ground beef, brown rice with an asian style sauce (sirracha, soy, splenda, ginger) topped with some basil and a couple peanuts.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Party Down on the Farm

My twins and my youngest birthdays are only 16 days apart so instead of having our guests come to two parties I usually just go all out and do one big party.  This year was no exception with our farm themed party.

Potato sack races

Bobbing for apples

Our chickens and their coop

The cake was actually a Sesame Street cake, I had them leave off the Sesame toys and I added my own animals, fence and tractor.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Egg Pizza

Yes that just happened. I want to be sorry about it, but nope I'm not. Breakfast egg pizza. Ah the possibilities are endless now. 🐓🍳🍕😍 1 egg
1 egg white
1/4 serving of pizza sauce
1 oz light mozzarella
5 slices of turkey pepperoni
Garnish with basil

Scrabble the eggs and cook in a medium pan flipping after a couple minutes. Remove from pan and place on a plate. Add your toppings and broil for 2 minutes

Monday, August 3, 2015

Bet Ya Thought I Ran Away to Tahaiti

I am here!  Between my Husband going to school for a degree inEnvironmental Science, watching an Autistic little boy 3 times a week.  Little league and it's duties being never ending, starting soccer, Advocare and all my beauties and then.... um my new full time work at home job which started today.  I now get to juggle all the craziness with y'all.

There is NEVER a down moment especially with Hubs Band, softball, and season football tickets.  Oh wait... AND our 17 year old God Daughter has moved in.  While this will help me with work and work projects it also brings more food and mess.

I came from a family of one.  Yes really.  I used to see a mess and thought I have to clean that or my Mom will yell, or I have to do this so she will save her body and bones and live longer.  No joke.

So here is the actual point and question... Is it wrong to give all the kiddos chores?  I never got rewarded I was told:

Monday: Empty all garbage cans in the house and take can to curb
Tuesday: Dust
Wednesday: Vacumn
Thursday: Bathrooms

This started around age 6/7.  With my kids I am lucky to get a bowl in the sink and the day is just a tornado of mess and don't remind me of the piss smell in all three bathrooms.

So with my new job I feel I need to stick them to some responsibility, but I also go back to my childhood and wonder when do you start and how much?  For me and our life I was thinking maybe empty dishwasher, take out garabge if it isn't heavy, wipe down kitchen table or counters.  There is no hard and fast rule, but there also isn't a book on how much you baby them and how much you let them just be kids (especially for the 17 year old.)

My photo
I am a wife and Mama to three boys. I had THREE babies in 23 months and went on a mission to reclaim my health and body. By eating better and exercising I have lost 65 pounds. This is my food, and my journey mixed in with our crazy life. A better me for them!

Send me a message and we can chat more about how I can coach you to your goals!

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